did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
