Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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