I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
