Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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