From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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