life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
