i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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