I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
