I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
