My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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