I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hippo gnu deer
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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