I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
