he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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