So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
