There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
