she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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