before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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