I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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