The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
