Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
