Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
