I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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