Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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