I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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