3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
