Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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