just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
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