Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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