i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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