no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
