i was born a porn star she said
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
