We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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