Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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