Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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