She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
