Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dicks are not precious.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
