I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
