A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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