dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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