I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
