I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
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She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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