Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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