she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
