I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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