just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.