Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?