I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
