i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
