If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
