can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
