Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
