soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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