you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
