You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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