I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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