oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
