Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
