just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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